Friday, May 29, 2009

new blog

i have a new blog...

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

i still want miley's hair

this past weekend was pretty crazy. since i didnt have school on friday, lisa and i went up to salt lake city, to her sisters house, on thursday evening. the night before we each made a data CD because we knew there was going to be a lot of traveling. however, only about 12 songs on each CD worked. which sucked cuz data CD's hold a LOT of songs! boo.
when we got to her sisters house, we just sort of lounged around and talked. one of her roommates entire family was staying also, they were above and we stayed in the basement. ok idk about anyone else, but my parents will NOT be staying in my apartment/house if they ever visited. i mean they'd get a hotel. wouldnt any normal family do that? the house isnt exactly suited for such a large group of ppl. LOUD PPL who do not seem to CARE that there are OTHER people in the house too. so yeah lets play rock band at 8 in the morning. i hate hicks.

anywho, friday. I MET MATT KELLY. aka the love of my life. <3 haha ok not really, hes lisa's boytoy. we all went to see the hannah montana movie :) i was really nervous about this film, the previews made me hopeful but i was still really nervous. cuz cmon, i know that there are quite a few really ridiculous hannah montana episodes...but the movie was really good. i laughed, i giggled, i swooned after that cowboy. yeehaw, i'd go southern if that was MY treat, i even almost cried. really, i almost did. it's that good.

after that we ate at chipotle and i forgot to order chicken on mine..not so good but i got it fixed. we then went to provo to see the best of show DIVINE COMEDY. oh my gosh it was soooooooooooooooooooo funny. i havent laughed so hard in a long time. everything was pure genius. i wish i could see every show, but unfortunately i live 3 hours away. :(

saturday i headed north to logan, about two hours away. i got there and it wasnt so bad. cuyler (erins, my sister, husband) showed me some of his guns and how they worked. and they were all very heavy. i also played with lady, the dog that didnt scare me as much. now she never ran out of energy and always brought the ball back. i got tired and compared her to my mentally challenged dog izzy back home who after you throw the ball once she doesnt come back.
afterwards me erin and her friend that i forgot the name of already, went to the mall. YES LOGAN HAS A MALL. 1 point. i must say, it was nice getting another pair of jeans that actually fit. now i have two size zeroes. i also got two shirts at another store, one is orangeish and the other is yellow. and then at american eagle i got those jeans and an orange purse. i love it. also at bath and body works i got a signature's orange. but i decided im going to have an actual scent, so i'll be smelling differently this summer.

we ate at a place called el salvador, it was el salvador food. i really liked it. yummy. after dinner it got more awk. theres a lot of porn at their house and they really bashed the church and tried to set me up with one of cuylers friends brother who lives in cedar, who is really tall like 6'1 and 225 pounds, burly man. im see i tend to go for the tall skinny ones that are slightly if not entirely nerdy. also, i did not like how controlling cuyler was and how it seemed erin was willing to do anything that he wanted just to avoid a fight or come off as the perfect wife. he stuck a bullet up her nose because he wanted to. i really just wanted to run off and drive somewhere and then call someone who knew what i was talking about but then i remember that we dont talk anymore and he doesnt really want anything to do with me. but i remember that night in bed thinking about him and knowing if we had gotten married he would have never do those things, he never bossed me around and never made me do things i didnt want to, he was pretty respectful and though it wouldnt have been a temple marriage, i know i would have been happier than my sister is.

but now i have the chance to make my dreams come true, i have the chance to fall in love with a man who will actually want to give me everything i have ever wanted. i will get married in the temple, and that marriage will last forever, and my family will be sealed to me for eternity. i'll come to know what true happiness is.

life's a climb, but the view is great.

The Climb - Miley Cyrus

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

It came :)


oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy!

i checked my mail today, and when i saw my letter i leaped for joy and then ppl stared at me. and i then quickly left the building and tried to keep my composure.

My high-five fantastic fabulous writting buddy! Can I just say that it is really fun to read your letters? I'm so happy we can write each other. :)

yes yes you can say that. i do not mind at all.

you like twilight for the exact same reasons as me?? AMAZING! and he doesnt even know my reasons!

you were in love with a fictional character, do i think it's pathetic? can i sympathize? my dear boy! can i ever relate to that! my life is completely devoted to fictional men. and some celebrities, of which no one is supportive of my quest to marry them.

today was superb! my presentation went really well. i surprised myself, i knew more about my topic than i gave myself credit for. so when i got the letter, it just was the icing on the cake. chocolate cake. chocolate frosting. mmm.

now now, i know i dont want to get too excited and get my hopes up. i know i am a passionate person and have been incredibly hurt in the past, still in the healing process.

though someone once told me that there was nothing wrong with pursuing and letting myself become emotionally's a long shot, i'll give everyone that. but...

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

OCD Jump

today in human sexuality, my OCD, germaphobic, tendencies have taken a huge jump. i am now much more so afraid of the possible disease, illness ridden world we have to live in. today, we learned about herpes.

herpes is incredibly contagious, you can get it just by skin contact. there is no cure.

so do you realize what this does to a person like me? it makes me paranoid about touching ANYTHING that someone else has previously touched. after all, what if that person who last touched the door handle had herpes?


i blame our parents and grandparents.

you just couldnt control yourselves and felt you were invincible. well now how do you feel, you have continually endangered the future generations to live a life basically guranteed of some sort of disease.

here are my words of wisdom and solutions

education saves lives.

anywho, since the world is going to the crapper.

Its The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) - R.E.M.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

any other world

i've been thinking about things lately, wondering why for so long i was filled with anger, resentment, frustration, sadness... a few nights ago i realized what it was, it was so blatantly obvious i can hardly believe i hadnt realized it before.


my pride was broken, alongside my heart. however, it was my pride that held on for so long. my whole world had made a crash landing, i would lose the world i had become so comfortable in. i was embarrassed...what would the others think of me? it was pretty selfish, i'll admit.

though, when i recognized the problem...everything i had been feeling vanished. i still had the broken heart sure, but the anger, everything else, was gone. i no longer cared about him, i no longer worried what he thought about me, and i also no longer cared if i never saw him again. it wasnt out of anger like the last time, but the realization that i cant fix everything, not everything will go my way, sometimes the only choice is to go forward, to move on. i felt for the first time, a sense of hope, i was beginning to truly let go.

the journey is not yet complete, but it gets better every single day. i wake up happier than i did the day before, my smiles feel more real, i feel myself finally being able to breathe, i am becoming alive, whole, once again. sum it up.

Any Other World - Mika

Sunday, March 22, 2009

can't go back now

i suppose to sum it all up. this song represents how i am feeling at the moment. maybe i'll start doing this at the end of each post, put the song that shows how im feeling. that might be interesting, to see if theres a change over time. anywho. for now here it is.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

too close to home

the reason i put melissa's limo ride up is because it hit really close to home. the reasons that jason gave her and what he did to her were almost spot on to what happened with me. it was so close to home that i got up and locked myself in my room before jason told the other girl, molly, how he wanted to be with her instead.

here is what he said

the second part

and the post below is the limo with melissa

Melissa Limo Bachelor

He chose Melissa then changed his mind. He wouldn't fight for her.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

trip to provo

hey sorry it gets a bit blurry for a few seconds.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Life's what you make it

i edited down the original version, it has music to it, it is just the highlights. for full details and what we say and such watch the whole thing in the post below.

Las Vegas

my trip to vegas with lisa and dakota! it's like a half hour long but it's pretty good :)

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

my first blog

yes i know i said i wouldnt do youtube but i couldnt get it to work otherwise

Monday, February 16, 2009

A change in me

a few years ago i wrote a play for my ward's youth. who would have thought that i'd be able to link it to my future self

the lyrics are dead on.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

im back baby (on facebook)

i made it an entire week! i actually accomplished this! holla atcha gurl

i got on this morning super pumped, and i told myself that at 9:45 am i have to get to class.
at 10:15 am i realized that it was way passed the time i needed to leave and class had already begun. oops. heh.

the week without facebook wasn't too bad, at least it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be.

it may surprise people at how happy i have been lately.

when i did get back on facebook, after a while i started to notice i was getting peeved and bitter. i found myself getting frustrated with certain people once again. yes im still currently on it, but im not looking through it, i have other sites up to occupy my time between classes. idk, im not saying that i was entirely happy because of not being on facebook, but it is possible that it played a part. probably because i wasnt constantly being reminded of certain people. what am i doing, anyone who is reading this knows exactly who im talking about.

oh paulina told me i have a new reader. Hello Ernesto, hope all is well. consider joining the quidditch team.

that would be the only reason i would go to Carleton, for the quidditch teams that paulina has told me about.

also, paulina, put up your shexy dancing videos. it's been like...a few days? since you told me about them. haha. (yeah that how impatient i am)

i got a letter from ron yesterday, it was pretty much the delicious brownie of my day. :)

i also got a good grade on my memory paper i wrote a few weeks ago. i'll put it up for you to read soon.

ALSO, another also

my sister found my CD for my camcorder that i need and is shipping it to me!! when i get it i am thinking of starting a video blog. please tell me what you think about this.

that is all. :)

Sunday, February 8, 2009


this morning as i was waiting for lisa to get ready for church, i saw this music video. so then after church i decided to watch the whole thing and then i found two other videos that i also really like. all three really portray how i've been feeling.

this one, picture to burn, is fun and i love it. i have some business to take care of and actually get to burning myself, im just having a struggle figuring out where to have a bonfire that wont actually stare a huge fire. im afraid of explosions...

this one is probably my current feeling and mood lately. :)

Saturday, February 7, 2009

he's just not that into you (Day Four)

i just got back from seeing "he's just not that into you" with lisa and erica.

it came out february 6th

one month EXACTlY from january 6th

i saw the movie at 9:35 PM

pretty much the EXACT same time that tony texted that he didnt love me anymore

Irony anyone?

anywho. im way stoked to see this movie. i thought i wasnt gonna be able to see it because lisa said she was waiting to see it with her sister the next weekend, britt is out of town, erica was supposed to go to las vegas this weekend, and kristen was working. so needless to say i was pretty bummed most of this week thinking i'd either go see it by myself or somehow watch it online...

let me just say this. ever since i started reading my scriptures daily, morning and night, i have noticed a dramatic change in my life. i am happier, i am doing better in school etc. so i strongly believe in the power of the scriptures, however, this morning, as i was praying, i asked that i would find someone who would go to the movie with me tonight...i so badly wanted to go and that would He please bless me and make that happen.

i end my prayer and go take a shower and when i got out and i was getting dressed for the day, i couldnt help by over hear erica and kristen talking. erica said that she was no longer going to vegas this weekend, but next weekend. and i was like OH MY GOSH! she can come to the movie now! yay! and then later that night, as me lisa and erica were leaving miss SUU pageant, lisa decides she can see the movie twice :)

we even got good seats...and the theater was PACKED

the lights go down and the previews start, and the first two previews i've already seen before when the screen gets dark..and i see a cloudy Warner Brothers logo...and my heart starts beating quickly...i know that way...oh my gosh...HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

you know, like my family says, the previews can make or break a movie.

i cannot WAIT for july! :) :) :) :):)

it looks amazing

now now, the movie begins and me and lisa talked earlier about trying to identify with one of the characters. as the movie starts i immediately think, oh im Gigi, the obsessive one that waits by the phone and cyber stalks and tries to "accidentally" bump into the guy...yeah...

however, at the end of the movie, i realize...that i identify with Janine, the woman who her husband cheats on her. i didnt think her at first because tony never cheated on me but the husband said that he used to love his wife he just wasnt ready for marriage when he got married...and then...theres a line at the end where it focuses on Janine's character about...moving on. i dont remember it exactly but it really struck me. about being on my own now and learning who i am and moving on. i actually wanted to cry because it really hit home. i was slightly envious of her though because she at least got to throw his stuff out and take her hurt and anger out on him. which, let me tell you, would have been SOOO nice to just have been able to run into this closet and throw everything out...i think its therapeutic. but i do have some things i need to take care of to help me move on.

the first song of the credits was "friday im in love" ...a song tony gave me on a cd of how he felt about me. before the break up a few months before, lisa made a cd of songs from my itunes...and a lot of the songs were the ones tony gave me. i cant stand listening to them but i dont want to tell lisa to turn the music off because she really likes those songs, it reminds her of her soon to be boyfriend (come valentines day weekend).

i do not mean for this to be a depressing entry. for that is not what it is about. i have kissed my toad but now it's time for me and someday, someone who truly loves me, will give me everything i ever wanted and what i thought was happiness then will seem to be nothing compared to the bliss that will be my ever after.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Day 2

Day two of no facebook for a week is pretty much complete. it was overall a pretty good day. however, i am a bit bummed at the lack of notifications i have NOT been receiving. you see, things get sent to my email but it is NOT cheating, because tony sent me a link and i cant click on it cuz it has the word facebook in the link and i dont want to be directed to facebook cuz that would be catastrophic.

but yeah basically im very disappointed in the lack of discouragement i have been receiving from my facebook friends. i thought i would get more than one "you're not gonna do it" comment.

i know i know it's only been two days but COME ON i have gotten more notifications in an hour than i have these past few days. woe is me.

anywho, enough of my complaining of how unpopular i am.

in history class today we watched a video. exciting? not quite. could he not find a better history channel special on the aftermath of the revolutionary war? (shay's rebellion etc) IT WAS ANIMATED!!!!! like emo looking animation. i actually like human reenactments...i know they wouldnt be accurate but a cartoon reenactment isnt anymore accurate

english was ghastly. im really appalled at how little we are actually doing. it's just.....slfjsldkfjds

oh but what i did find amusing today was this. you see, my english class seems to be full of loudmouth NON MORMONS...and they like to make sure everyone knows they are NOT MORMON. they will swear in class and they will talk about how hung over they are. like today, this girl was saying she was so hung over (to the teacher, thats how relaxed this class is) cuz she had a bad day yesterday so she drank a lot last night. a tuesday...really? but anywho, another girl (who i think is mormon) says shes having a bad day (this is few minutes later) and then the teacher says why dont you party? and she goes, there arent really any parties here..and then the hung over girl says, thats not true. and then i just smirked because i thought, oh you sad sad little utah girl. you've never been to a real party before (neither have i but i have heard of them) and i wanted to tell her this but i refrained. i try to keep my sassy comments to myself.

after class me and lisa went to eat lunch at the great harvest bread thing and i got the tuscan chicken panini OH MY GOSH SOOOOO GOOD! and yes i got everything on it and yes you all are right and having all the ingredients does make it taste better! gosh

we then went to go look at our possible new living arrangements for next year. it's this amazing house thing town house thing, three levels, up main and basement. aaaamaaaaazing. it's just wow! lisa took pictures but i do have a link.

lisa's parents are thinking of buying one and then letting me and lisa live there along with other girls renting it out for the school year. the DONT KNOW...said that we could get three other girls to pay 300 a month and that would pay the mortgage. basically me and lisa would live in the master suite, it has a HUGE walk in closet, a shower and then a separate JACUZZI bathtub. there are three and a half bathrooms total in the house, the kitchen is completely furnished, there are four bedrooms. and there is a washer and dryer on the top floor.
it's basically perfection and me and lisa really want to live there. erica might join us too.

i did some homework today. english nonsense. but i did some of it. i tend to procrastinate and not do it till the last minute, and the english responses arent due till spring break so im being a really good student haha.

i've also watch all of kelly clarkson music videos, i really like


oh i've also been watching more of the communitychannel. she is funny, i enjoy her.

anywho, thats my day. im surviving. ROAR

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Day One: No FB for a week

I am close to finishing day one of a week without facebook. now i know you're asking, why are you doing this courtney? you always have thought that people who do this are being stupid. well, a few people have told me that i need to find myself and strangely...not keep in contact with people from home as often as i do. now i have my suspicions where that one came from.

yesterday was quite the day, lots of things happened and my mind was quite literally blown. nasty clean up job. so last night i really wanted to talk about what was all happening to someone who also knows what is all happening. however that person did as they almost always had in the past and said "im busy!!!" well fine fine, but this is HUGE and yes i would like to talk about it and you're the only one i CAN talk to about this so please if you could have been so kind to have made some time for me. but nope. *shrug*

and then, another one of my friends starts texting me and this person eventually says that i need to take some time for myself and not sit around trying to get people to talk to me. now those are the exact words, i really wish i hadnt deleted my entire messages, but my message box was getting full. sigh.

also, those two people who i had exchanged texts with last night, they used to hate each other and now suddenly...are they bff's??? it might seem so as they talk an awful lot.

now isnt this says "im busy" the other says, "stop texting people and learn to talk to yourself!"

i do talk to myself, i spend prolly TOO much time talking to myself! what do ppl think i do at night? i dont just instantly fall asleep, no it takes me a while to fall asleep. so in the meantime i ponder to myself.

ok. for the reason i decided to stay off facebook for a week.

i do spend an awful lot of time on there, and i guess the idea of seeing what i'd do without it intrigues me.

what did i do today?
school, radio show, and...aim, gmail, and my new thing on youtube Communitychannel. i think her video blogs are hilarious and fun to watch. i have wanted my own video blog for a while but my webcam is a piece of crap (wont record video even though it should) and my camcorder...well i lost the cd that is supposed to be installed on my laptop so i can upload my videos. (something of which has been bothering me all month long well the past couple weeks)

i also watched american idol. starting to get back into that show. prolly cuz i havent found anything better to do.

let me tell you, i dont watch tv that often. i watch two hours on monday for the bachelor and then i watch the office on thursdays. thats it. sometimes i'll watch random things to kill time but the tv is not where i like to spend my time.

well. day one is almost complete. i just might read a book or get back on gmail because im trying to send my radio show to someone. alright. pip pip cheerio

Sunday, February 1, 2009

st. george's musical

today lisa and i went to st. george to go shopping and eat an in n out :)
it was really really fun. i wanted heels, because i have decided to start wearing heels.

i got two shirts from buckle, both on sale like 11 dollars each. holla!
i tried on four shirts though.lisa picked this out for me but it was too big so i didnt get it.

i actually really liked this shirt, it was a really pretty fabric and shirt. unfortunately it was too big so i didnt get it.however, i did this get one. the pattern is fun and it fit well. plus it was only 11 dollars.

i also got this one. it's orange haha. but it is a cool design and i liked it.

then we went to american eagle. i tried on jeans. i first went to what i believed my size was. size four. however, i knew that it wouldnt be so because my current jeans always stretch and im always having to pull them up. with or without a belt too. well my belts are shoe laces but still. and idk, the fit isnt right. anywho. so i decide, im going to get jeans that fit. so i grab some size two's too. but. alas. size two is too big, in the butt area, you see, i have no butt so i have to remain in kiddy sizes, so...i go pick out some zeros. i am currently sitting at a size zero.these are the jeans i bought. they fit really well. even in the butt :)

we eventually go into journeys to look at shoes when the salesman starts immediately hitting on lisa. saying to me, dont you think your friend is so pretty? dont you think your friend has such beautiful eyes? and that smile? you must hate her for stealing all the boys away! wow just look at her clear skin! etc etc...

she buys shoes and i buy some really cool amazing awesome socks. seriously. they are amazing i dont own any pair like it. im excited to wear them. most of my readers will see the socks, however not all.

i ate at In n Out! mm mm taasty!

such good burgers.

the next part of our trip was to find the golf course where they filmed High School Musical 2, as it was filmed in st. george.

we found it a couple hours later once the sun started to set and we decided to ask for directions.

The Ledges Golf Club

now it says The Ledges. it does.
it got dark and i used flash..but...
lisa pictures didnt turn out either.

but thats not the point.
the point is we were in the same place
that Zac Efron was once in.

we proceeded to do random lines of "Bet on it"

when we got back we went to the SUU mens basketball game. they were play west illinois. i learned that suu is in division one? what? idk. i didnt think we were that good but i guess its about size.

anywho. afterwards me britt and lisa made puppy chow and watched shes all that. oh man. such a silly movie. freddie prince jr is hot though. :)

weird fact. james mcavoy is 29 and his wife is 38. I DO NOT APPROVE. shes not even that pretty, he could do so much better. like me ;)

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

school thus far

it is almost february so i thought i'd give my take on my classes thus far. as i am a month in already. i am actually happy with my classes, with the exception of one. i will start with my first class of the week

American Civilization.
i was pretty excited for this class, though i was a bit weary of it before going because american history isnt my strong point or my favorite period of time. but im really liking it so far. my teacher has a fun accent, hes from the south, and i enjoy listening to him speak. he teaches in a way that captures my attention and speaks directly to the students, he involves the students in his lecture, which makes the class all the more interesting. this class is very large, a nice stadium seating classroom. i was shocked when i walked in because i am used to normal sized classrooms with a normal high school amount of students. what i like about my teacher is that when he calls on us, he asks for our name so he can remember it, and he usually does a pretty good job in remembering peoples names. he is always joking and laughing about things, gets off topic sometimes but i like the topics he chooses to ramble on so i sometimes get frustrated when he gets back on topic cuz i want to know more about the off topic subject. as of right now, i am most definitely going to continute to take history classes. if you need to take american civilization, he is a really good teacher so i would, right now, recommend him.

English 1010.
i thought this class would be more interesting than it is. so far we havent really done anything, we spend an entire week looking at previous students' papers about the paper we were going to write. hes a funny guy but idk, we havent really done anything yet. he said something about a ten page paper...i wasnt sure if he was kidding because he kids a lot. but i will not be happy if i have to write a ten page paper or more. personally, i dont think the length of a paper should matter, it should be the quality of the paper that is more emphasized. come on, these teachers have to read and grade all these papers, why assign one that is so long that you will most definitely NOT READ ALL OF IT? or if you do, what a waste of time? honestly. teach me to write a good quality paper and not focus on how many pages. after all, most essays can be said in less than a paragraph. gosh. ok.

Human sexuality.
this is one of my more interesting classes. it is for my biology/chemistry credit. the first chapter was all history, i LOVED it. i actually did some of my own research on wiki to learn more about how other cultures and time periods viewed sexuality. right now we are on chapter 2 learning about parts and fuctions. usually im cool and collected while in class, it doesnt bother me to hear the terms or see pictures, but teacher taught us about the perineum. the skin between the vagina and anus. it is usually cut before the baby comes out during birth. so the babys head can come out. oh good gosh. i imagining the pain....adoption looks so much better every day. why oh why would i want to torment myself just to get a kid that looks like me? i'd rather, right now, get one pre made. but my teacher said it is better to have it surgically cut then torn from the babys head. OUCH OUCH OUCH. why oh why oh why did the baby have to come THAT way? why couldnt it have been the way i thought it was as a child? from the stomach, and they cut open the stomach and take the baby out, like a C-section but i was wrong about the stomach part, its actually a uterus. ha.

Audio Production (radio class)
the class itself is aight, mainly listening to radio dj's. but the getting one hour each week to be on the radio! yes yes yes! awweesome! it's so much fun. i do it with lisa and we're still n00bs but ts so much fun. we messed up yesterday but it was hilarious. you should definitely tune in on power 91's website, they have a link. every tuesday from 2-3 mountain time.

sofjlskfj9urljfslkdfjsdofjslkfjsdlkfjslkfjsdlf boring boring boring
plus its a night class. sodfjsdlfjslfksjdsldfjdsl sodf blah blah blah
though, i got 100% on my quiz :) :) :) yay!

i think that is all of my classes...hmm..think think think. yes i think so.
so. it is so far going pretty well. it's fun. i enjoy it. :)

Friday, January 23, 2009

grey sky eyes

i found this story tonight and it's a really good story. i hope you like it.

I walked briskly down the cold, busy street so intent on my thoughts I didn't notice the business man on his cell phone, or the bike rider, or really any of the 10 people I bumped into that morning. I had lived this day a hundred times already but this time was different. This time I was living it outside of my mind.

As I got closer to the coffee shop, I picked my gaze up from the sidewalk and stopped to glance at my reflection. My dark hair was slightly longer than I was used to but the gel kept it in place and gave it a very tousled affect. That seemed to be the style and although I could care less what "the style" was, I did want to look good today. And I felt like I looked pretty good. My shirt, which was a muted blue, fit snugly over my slim build and the waitresses at my restaurant always told me I looked good in it. But would she think so? I peered closer; I could almost see the blue of my eyes in the reflection as they peered back at me.

"What are you doing?" I muttered quietly to myself. I pulled up the collar of my black pea coat to block the uncharacteristically cool wind as it whipped down the street. In Wisconsin this day would have seemed warm, but living in L.A. for five years had changed my ability to withstand cold. As I stood there thinking about the cold I lost my nerve. Shaking my head, I turned around and began walking back the way I'd come from. I was halfway down the block before I stopped abruptly. I stood there a moment, shaking my head then began pacing back and forth, unsure what to do. Finally I turned and walked back to the window.

I looked hard at my reflection in the darkened window and took a deep breath.
"I'm doing this. I'm not waiting any more, I'm sick of waiting." and with that I smiled a hopeful smile at myself and nodded my head determinedly.

My name is Jonah and I'm a poet, well..., actually I'm a chef, but in essence I am a poet. I see poetry everywhere. The dripping chocolate falling decadently over a piece of beautifully cut cheese cake, the buzzing glow of the street lamp, the curve of an arm...the curve of her arm specifically. I felt very unsure as I walked, until I thought of her. She was what I was very sure of.

I have written hundreds of poems about her over the years. And today IS the day. Today is the day I will tell her how I feel. But I don't know what will happen. You see, Katia, or Kat as I know her, is a star. She plays Ryver Stockholm in the Soap Opera Touchstone and although she has only been Ryver for a year, she has already been nominated for a couple of Daytime Emmys. And now the industry and tabloids have begun calling her the new Meg Ryan.

And I? I am Jonah Gosse, a sous chef, not even the chef but the second in command. Although I’d argue I do most of the work and all of the management of the kitchen. But none of that matters because I can't compete with the hulky leading men, big names, red carpet and Hollywood parties.

"I'm the guy next door," I said aloud, "I'm the guy who cooks your fillet mignon during the day and at night secretly writes poems about something he can never have." my voice trailed off in frustration.

"You fool! Why are you doing this, you've been over this before. YOU aren't enough. You can't compete with what she has, what she is." Anger started to take over my face like a slow spreading rash.

"Stop that.” I hissed at myself trying to contain the rush of negativity I was feeling.
“Do I really want to live the rest of my life not knowing? Do I want to spend the rest of my days writing poems that she will never read? Or do I want to take a chance, even a big chance and say that at least I tried.” I sighed heavily and clenched my jaw in determination. I am going to do this, even if we can't be friends anymore, even if it is the end of us, I am going to try.

With that last thought I walked off with a confident stride, towards the only thing I was sure of; that this woman, draped in mystery, held my love inside her.

But as I neared the end of the block I felt it come back, the uncertainty of my ability to give her everything she’s used to, everything her life had become since she'd left the restaurant. Those negative thoughts only lasted a few moments because I shook myself and began talking aloud. Valarie, my prep cook, had told me once that to stop unwanted streams of thought you needed to start talking out loud. Something about talking stopped the thoughts. So if there was ever a time that I needed the nagging doubts and fears to stop playing games in my head, it was now.

I shoved my iPod ear buds into my ears and switched on the music. Poignantly, the song that began playing was Walk Unafraid by REM. Suddenly Michael Stipe was there walking beside me for a moment, telling me to walk unafraid, to be clumsy instead. To hold my “love me or leave me” high. To crush this charade and shred this sad masquerade. It was just what I needed.

"Thanks Michael," I said with a smile and began talking aloud again, this time in a clear voice instead of a murmur.

"I know that isn't really her," I said assuredly, knowing this with more than my head.
"That glamour and glitz isn't who she is. Remember, I’m the only one that sees through it. I’m the only one she lets see her without her pretty happy mask on." As I spoke I didn't fret about what the people around me would think, they were the least of my concerns. And besides, the iPOD gave a buffer as well as the illusion I may be on a cell. So I continued on with my monologue, holding with what Valarie said, only now I began talking to her. I imagined looking at her pale face with her light grey eyes staring widely back at me. Her long black hair parted down the center and falling softly down her shoulders. I loved her long hair, how sometimes she'd put random little braids in it or tied it into a knot to keep it out of her way. Not many women had hair that long anymore. I imagined what I would say to her if she was with me at this very moment.

"Kat, look at me for a moment. I mean, really look at me. You see me here; I'm standing here in front of you because I can't live this lie any longer. I can't hide it anymore. Kat, you and I...there is something about us that is different. I feel it and I know that you feel it to. I see it in your eyes when you let yourself out. I see something in there when I hold you. That night, the night in the rain after your audition for Touchstone. That night for a moment your veil lifted and you let me in. You let the fear flow out of you in great wet tears and you wept on my shoulder. You were worried about getting my shirt messy and I laughed at you because I was already dripping wet. Do you remember sitting in my apartment afterwards? You were wearing my bathrobe while your clothes were in the dryer and sipping on hot chocolate. Do you remember the hours we spent just talking that night? You let me in, you told me how afraid you were of disappearing and how you went into acting as a way to hide yourself. That contradiction confused and unnerved you.

You never told me why you hide, but I can see the sadness in your eyes. They reminded me of clouds moving over a blue sky just before a rain. I so desperately wanted to make the sun break through, to see them glow."

As I stopped talking, to listen to the music unfold, I began living that night again in my head. Before that moment in the rain we were just two people working at the same place. We'd laugh and joke around occasionally but nothing more than a casual acquaintance. I worked in the back and she was the hot waitress/actress, like most waiters and waitresses in LA. Most of them never stopped being a waitress, hitting it big was so rare and a dream of so many there. Dreams are what brought people out here in the first place. Some did make it though, like Kat. It was like she really was there to briefly grace my world with her radiance before becoming a real star.

I used to watch her from afar, hovering at the kitchen door, and just observe her curiously. She'd smile and laugh with customers, charm the tips right out from under them. But when she thought no one was watching her and she was alone I would see her change. It was like watching rough water suddenly calm into a silent lull, her smiles falling off her face leaving a quiet stillness that seemed infinitely sad. I had watched this happen a few times, always unobserved from the kitchen, but I saw it clearly as if she were right in front of me saying, "That isn't me! I don't know who that is." I felt deep inside that this was what I was seeing, so when she broke down in the rain one night after my shift she only had confirmed what I felt I already knew. I took my coat off and slung it around her shoulders and walked her the three blocks to my apartment.

That night is when all her hopes and fears came spilling out of her. She cried about how broken she felt and how much effort she exerted to keep her veil up. She never told me what broke her but it didn’t matter to me. After her heartfelt confession I saw a lightness come into her and a smile returned but this one was different because it shone in her eyes as well.

After that night we shared, we really became as close as two friends could become. And always, when we were together she’d arrive and the fa├žade would slip away and she would stand there before me naked in her realness. And I grew to love this girl, this quivering woman who stood before most people as a butterfly but showed me that she really had just built her cocoon to hide in; never intending to emerge from it.

Then, inevitably, she started getting more popular. Touchstone began writing more story lines for her and the busier she got the less I saw her. Her schedule became so demanding that she had to quit the restaurant and although I was happy for her I was sorry to lose that closeness I was used to. She would still call and talk to me whenever she had a spare moment, but our schedules never seemed to work out and now it has been far too long since I’d seen her last.

As I walked up to the coffee shop, I could see Kat through the large bay windows. Some caffeinated fans were getting their pictures taken with her.

And there it was. That beautiful smile of hers. She seemed to glow, just glow whenever it came out. It showed off her perfect white teeth, made her eyes sparkle, and turned her into a star. Now I'm no casting director, but I've got to imagine when you see this beautiful woman smiling like that. Like you could actually feel her smile - well, I'd pick her to be the next big thing too.

I waited for the impromptu fan club to dismiss before walking up to her. Part of me still wanting to avoid this conversation but another part told me that the right moment would not be amidst drooling fans either.

I weaved my way through the dispersing admirers and stopped just in front of her. I went to take her hand and she pulled me in for a big hug.
"Wow, how long has it been, Jonah?" she asked reminiscently.
"Almost six months" I said as a matter of fact. "Your waitress retirement party, remember?" I chuckled.

"Oh, yeah...The official end of my screwing up people's dinner and spilling their drinks party, how could I forget?" she laughed.

"So, what's on your mind, Jonah?" Kat asked in that concerned tone of hers.

I sat down beside her on the couch in the now quiet corner and gathered up every ounce of bravery. Then I started speaking.

"Do you know the movie Groundhogs Day?" I asked her with a sly grin.

"The Bill Murray movie? Yes, I love that movie." Kat responded.

"This is the end of my groundhogs day." I said, knowing this is not exactly how I practiced this but going with what first came to mind.
"See, in the movie he relives the same day over and over but you never quite know if its punishment or a gift or maybe just a hiccup in his life." I stated as if a metaphor was going to make this easier.

"I have relived this day over and over in my head ever since that first night we spent together. That night was like the most real and tangible night of my life. Just sharing thoughts and feelings and knowing I was talking to the real you, the real Kat. Not the one who wears that big beautiful smile all the time, just Kat with no mask.”
I waited for a response from her, for any response. She just looked at me waiting patiently for me to continue. But I saw her face change, her mask slipped a little and she became very serious.

"You see, Kat, there’s something to us. There is something here," I said moving my hand between us like a line. "I used to watch you working, I would see you and I was never enamored like the rest of them. I never cared about your beauty because when I looked in your eyes all I saw was you, not your facade. Kat, I can't compete with your world but you know what? I don't want to. I want to be something real to you, something you can see and touch and believe in. Because Kat, I love you and if I don't do something about it right now, then I might as well just give up on everything. Because in the end of it all, in the end of everything. This is all that matters. Us, people, love, lives and everything that comes with it.” I looked down at my hands for a moment, wondering if I should say more or if I should get up and run for it. I decided I had come this far, I might as well say all I had to say.

“Kat, I don't care if we have only one day together because at least I will get to live that day with you, outside my head. Kat, this is it. This is a chance to be truly happy, what do you say? Do you want to jump with me? Because I'm ready to jump, in fact I just did, but I hope you'll be holding my hand so I can fly instead of fall." I stopped abruptly looking into her eyes, every second feeling like I was underwater. The pressure of the silence was suffocating me. But I waited, waited for a response and what I got wasn't spoken with words but was silent vulnerability.

Her eyes widened and filled with tears as she struggled with what to say. She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came. Still, I waited for her to speak, knowing she would when she knew what to say.

"I'm afraid," She said in a trembling whisper. A silent tear slid slowly and gracefully down her cheek.

I took her small hands into mine. Her fingers were thin and cold and I rubbed them between my hands to warm them. I leaned close and looked hard into her eyes before speaking.
"Listen to your heart, Kat. What would you do if you weren't afraid?" I whispered back to her.

Kat nodded her head thoughtfully and, as she nodded, a smile broke through but this smile was an unpolished smile, her real smile.
"I am no great thing." She said to me in warning. "Me, I'm just a person and I'm not special. My eyes neither rain nor they glow, they are just me. I am just Katia." She said with more tears coming to the surface.

I touched her face softly, wiping away her tears with the back of my hand. Then I smiled widely.

"Kat, that’s just it. You are who I'm in love with. You right here with me now. None of that other stuff. This is it Kat, this is us."
Kat nodded happily, her breath catching in small heaving gasps as she tried not to weep. But her efforts were to no avail and she collapsed with great racking sobs. I pulled her to me, smelling her hair and reveling in the feel of her in my arms again. It had been a long time since I'd touched her, let alone hold her close.

“I never.. I never thought anyone could ever care about me till you Jonah. Never me, for me. You made me hope and hope made me afraid.” she stopped speaking then and leaned into me crying softly.

"What do you say Kat," I whispered softly into her ear.
Indistinguishably Kat's sobbing became made of both tears and musical laughter. She pressed into me, her body shaking with the strength of her emotions and said in her musical laughing voice
"yes, yes, yes. For a lifetime, for a year for how ever long we have in this world, yes."

And at that moment, we flew.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

starting now

Maybe I was naive
Got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance
My mistake I didn't know to be in love
You had to fight to have the upper hand

I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings,
Now I know

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down

Now oh so easily you're over me
Gone is love
It's me that ought to be moving on
You're not adorable
I was something unignorable.

It's my world, it's not ours anymore

Monday, January 12, 2009

awkward turtle

tonight lisa, erica, and i were watching the bachelor when we got a knock on our door. it was two guys we have never seen before just wandering around trying to meet new people. they came in and sat on our was weird. they were very friendly and they tried to talk to all three of us but they mainly just paid attention to erica and lisa, the far superior in looks of us three. it made me really miss tony, he was the only boy to ever think i was beautiful. now i am alone and back to being that awkward girl guys only talk to out of politeness. my life is a big pile of suckiness again but it is worse this time because i lost the only guy who actually wanted me but now he doesnt even want to see me let alone talk to me.

back to my shell i go

new experience

so this morning i hopped into the shower and everything was normal. until i started to feel a little dizzy, no biggie i've felt that way before, so i turned down the temperature and opened the curtain a tad to let some cool air in. however today was different. i was conditioning my hair when my eyes started to slowly go black. it was like a fuzzy grey/black. i was terrified, i had no idea what was going on i just knew i could no longer see. i turn towards the curtain and then i stumble a bit and i knew i hit the side of the shower but i think that was my arm making all the racket. anywho next thing i know im lying down on the tub, water pouring down on me. i am not sure how long i was out for but i got in around 1040 and was back in my room around 1120. normally im out by 1055 or 11.

i guess i fainted? never done that before. i dont want to do that again, it's way too scary.

i actually still feel really weak and incredibly tired. idk why. after i got dressed i ate two chocolate chip waffles and a glass of water and chocolate milk.